"A friend is a gift you give yourself."—Robert Louis Stevenson
Working with someone you respect and enjoy is peak delight.
Of course, the first thing is discovering what you really enjoy doing, which so happens to be what you've become especially good at doing.
Once you've scaled that summit, you want to meet your peers.
One tried-and-true approach to meeting them is simply putting yourself in a position to meet them. This could mean living in the cities where they might live, or attending the institutions they attend; frequenting the events they..., etc.
But being where they are isn't how you meet them.
To make someone feel comfortable when meeting you for the first time, you invariably want things to go swimmingly; to feel timeless and leisurely.
I'd strongly suggest a warm introduction from someone else.
I also have a confession. I wasn't always in favor of the 'warm intro'. In my experience, most people want to meet other people with good intentions.
This much seemed apparent. It makes everyone's lives richer.
Unfortunately, most people also have a preoccupation with worse case scenarios when it comes to these sorts of things.
They'd prefer not to get involved with someone if they perceive their safety, privacy, or wealth, can be compromised. For wealthy people, it isn't mere social graces though I'd argue they're important, socially.
It's better understood as a way of doing business.
I once chatted with a woman who casually told me she wouldn't date anyone to whom she wasn't formally introduced. I was astonished.
As a world-weary city boy with more adventures of ill-repute than I would recall in an evening, this was awkward and off-putting. I exclusively met women in real life in real locations, in real time.
This woman had a different way.
Her one-true love would be a warm introduction, or he wouldn't be. I soon discovered this was more common than I'd imagined.
Plenty of well-to-do people were sheltered and met everyone through everyone else. It was simply the nature of things.
They had parents who took them to society events, or fellow alumni, who more or less directed them to the clubs, alleys, schools, universities, neighborhoods, society events, and paths they eventually went.
I'd wager there was little thought as to whether the path was right or wrong, or even a path they should call their own.
Everyone attended the thing and did the stuff.
I'd soon come around to this woman's way.
There's something more to this business of you wanting me to be introduced to you by someone we both know. It isn't mere fear, snobbery, or lack of imagination.
Sure, it's some of that, with some of the people some of the time, but it's not just a risk reduction technique for meeting strangers.
I think it's really about getting to the point.
It's about moving things along. The warm intro rescinds the business of getting down to business, without the hideous encumbrance of having to teach you how to trust me.
It's as if we've known each other the whole time.
Meeting people in a formal or informal setting is always clumsy and error-prone. You could easily say the right thing the wrong way and be completely misunderstood. The warm intro can be a universal translator.
That same thing could be said and you'd be given a chance to explain, to be accepted, if the right person had introduced you. Your comments might be given more context.
This has become more important in today's world.
The listener might even agree with you privately if they thought similarly, but would never agree with you publicly, unless they felt safe.
But now, as an individual, you're heard as a mutual.
The cold introduction will be exciting, exploratory, erm, dangerous, and certainly has its place. The problem is the errors are more severe and the situations aren't so much clumsy, as teetering on criminal charges.
In my work, the happiest people are private people.
Personally, I prefer meeting new people over coffee.
However, having a mutual friend set a dinner at Matú or Balthazar at 7:30pm is more than acceptable. Our mutual should make a warm email introduction, before signing off. The email should imply how we know, e.g. Alice.
It makes for good early conversation and adds a spit shine to the status of the intro'er.
Subject: Intro: David Doswell ↔ Bob Pierson
Hi Bob,
Hope you're doing well.
I wanted to make an introduction that I've been thinking about for a bit.
You and I've worked closely at KKR. I've always appreciated your judgment, especially when it comes to evaluating people.
Separately, I've gotten to know David Doswell. He's the founder of a private club with a very clear point of view on quality, culture, and creating brand value in tech.
Watching David build his business, and you and I discussing what's next for you, it struck me that the two of you might have a lot to talk about.
David is exploring bringing on a finance chief as he enters the next phase of growth, and your background and interests felt especially relevant.
I also know you both take good steak seriously, which feels like the perfect excuse to start the conversation.
I'll let you two take it from here.
Best,
Alice
The craft of the email reminds me of our mutual friend Alice's worth, speaks to Bob directly versus to me, yet addresses me first in the subject line.
The email feels friendly yet opportunistic.
I think it's perfectly worded and intended to make me respect someone, based on the person introducing us. It also makes me feel I need to be on my A-game when I meet Bob. Hopefully, Bob and I can get a steak.
Let's suppose for the moment it's a coffee.
I prefer to get to our coffee date early, and to offer to buy the beverage. I don't assume anything. I ask and make every attempt at politeness. I don't want anything from Bob.
I'm not here to meet my next finance chief.
I'm here to make a new potential connection, possibly a new friend. We're both likely to be on our best behaviors, partly because of Alice's kind words.
If we really hit off, and there's time, we might even get a steak afterwards. The better things, in my experience, are serendipitous.
A mutual acquaintance is merely the salted brown butter on top.