“Experience tells you what to do; confidence allows you to do it.”—Stan Smith
One observation I’ve had befriending people of a particular social class is a sense of propriety. The knowledge of what to do and how to be instills a rare confidence a lay person will reliably fail to decrypt.
This is what separates new money from old money.
New money is confident because of what it’s done. Old money is confident because of what it is, or more specifically what it knows.
There are behaviors in response to how the world works that are second nature to old money. You are because you know; and so you have.
Confused ambition need not apply.
Knowing where things and people go, knowing their places and where they should be, allows you to interact with them seamlessly and efficiently. It doesn’t take much to see why the most successful companies are also the most legible.
Knowing your place helps people interface with you in a manner you deserve. If you’re unhappy with how you’re being treated, update your interface.
Once you do, your interactions will update as well.
Particular social classes of means are often born into this sort of elite education. This doesn’t mean they learn the truth about some academic subject compared to, say, kids at more affordable state institutions.
Young people don’t learn the earth is flat at Framingham University but are taught it’s round at Harvard.
Elite education is the knowledge of how to comport oneself around people with whom you’re likely to meet and conduct business, if you have sufficient ambitions. The world and its ways work differently at scale.
You learn some of this at an Ivy, but more likely someplace else.
Of course, the broader point isn’t that you need to attend some elite institution. Better to understand that it’s not about learning traditions, but learning the thing that allows you to build trust with other people no matter your background.
I’m talking about world knowledge.
I once dated a beautiful woman who told me I had unfair advantages. The praises she sung of me I wouldn’t dare repeat here, but she concluded by saying because of these perceived advantages she was attracted to me.
I was perplexed— and I accepted it.
I didn’t try to make an impression on her. I didn’t appeal to her sensibilities or what I believed she liked or didn’t like. It would be false to say I didn’t think about her at all. We shared a living space at the time.
And as a reminder she was gorgeous.
But I had come to a place in myself where I simply knew what to do. I knew where to eat, how to cook, how to move around the city; what to say in conversation. It was all so easy, this business of being happy.
More urgently, it seemed every guy was afraid to engage the woman romantically. It’d be safe to assume why, but no matter.
I can admit it wasn’t a problem I had.
Our interactions started with walks around the block, some talking and jokes. When a walk was scheduled other members of the house would watch, as the two of us got our selves together to leave. It was weird.
It was clear we were up to something.
After a week, walks became extended journeys until we wound up on random benches in Menlo Park, making out like reckless teenagers.
Then we would walk home like nothing happened.
After a week and a half, we were making out in basketball court bleachers after hours. I used to love the shrouded suburban spaces and the darkness they cast.
Eventually we had to book a hotel room nearby.
The most in-demand people in the world have this confidence effect on everyone. It’s often called charisma, or aura, if you’re younger.
But charisma doesn’t explain how a lack of it rewards one with the same results when you possess the virtue we’re discussing.
The reason is obvious. Charisma is the effect, not the cause.
What it takes to marvel a powerful room, or surprise an investor, or excite the energy of a beautiful woman, is knowledge. Charisma without knowledge is pretentiousness; that is, brittle assertions without merit.
It’s easy to say things. It’s harder to explain them.
This is the value of valuable people. They have explanatory power. They might know a little about a lot of things, but there’s something in particular they know very well. It’s what separates them from charlatans.
We all have questions. Knowledge temporarily answers our questions, providing a real sense of safety that’s becoming increasingly difficult to acquire. Specialists intimidate charlatans and remind us we’re okay.
The only secret in the world is know your stuff.
This was the observation inside the observation, for me. I so happened to luck up with a desirable woman, because of where we lived. She moved in not long after I had. This isn’t how it works when it comes to your peers.
Reliable network infrastructure is always design.
Eminent social circles acquire and protect experts who are not fungible. Breadth is a dependable feature of most eminent people, but depth is preferred. Knowing a space, where people and things should be, is invaluable.
If you want to have conversations with the most interesting people in the world, you should be interesting to talk to about something.
The same is true for talking to beautiful women.